Domestic violence

Getting help

If you are a woman in an abusive relationship, it's important to seek help and support after an incident of domestic violence.

Tell someone what is happening to you.

There's no reason you should feel isolated. Get support from friends and family or from phone hotlines and services intended for assaulted women. If you are a lesbian, you can also seek help from a lesbian or gay organization. Remember that some of the people close to you may not know how to respond. Some people may not want to choose sides by openly supporting you. It's important to have someone in whom to confide and with whom you can feel safe. If you live in a smaller community with few resources, you may need to look for help outside the usual resources.

Learn about resources in your community.

If you've been assaulted, you may need to know what resources are available within your community. You may require medical services, for example. You may also require the services of an employment agency or a child care center. It's important to identify these resources and to know how to use them.

Know your legal rights.

You may need police protection or legal advice. These services can often be intimidating. Don't be afraid to take someone with you if it will help you feel more at ease. Bringing a friend with you can be especially helpful if you ask him or her to record:

• the date
• the name of the officer with whom you spoke
• what the officer or representative told you
• your file number

If you cannot afford a lawyer, you may be able to ask a legal clinic about available legal aid.

Seek counseling.

It's important to find a counselor who is understanding of women and experienced in working in the area of violence against women. If you are lesbian, try to find a counselor who is knowledgeable and empathetic to lesbian issues. A counselor can help you locate resources you may need. An assaulted women's shelter, a domestic violence hotline, and your police department's Victim Services Unit should all be able to help you choose a counselor. Most women's bookstores have handbooks on choosing a counselor. Don't be afraid to ask the bookstore staff for help.

Join a support group.

Try to locate a support group for women who are survivors of relationship abuse. If you are a lesbian, try to find a group specifically for survivors of abuse in lesbian relationships. Unfortunately, such groups are not always available. It's not always clear whether general groups for assaulted women would be supportive of a lesbian member; this is something you will need to carefully consider since it would require active and willing advocacy on the part of the group facilitator as well as a willingness on the part of the facilitator to educate group members about lesbianism and the similarities and differences between heterosexual members' experiences and abuse within lesbian relationships.

Keep active.

As much as possible, stay involved in personal activities and interests. This will reduce your isolation and help restore self-esteem, self-confidence, and independence.

Key points to remember

• You cannot control or change your partner's behavior.
• He/he must take responsibility for his/her actions.
• No one has the right to abuse you.
• You do not have to be alone when dealing with abuse.
• You can tell someone what is happening to you.