Miscarriage and loss

Miscarriage: I Never Held You

By Ellen M. Dubois

Who could I blame for this? Did I do something wrong? Did that glass of wine I had before I even knew I was pregnant somehow hurt my baby? Did that slip on the ice have anything to do with it? What about the cigarettes I smoked? Or, or, or …

It's a very natural thing to blame yourself when you suffer a miscarriage. I did. I wracked my brain in a futile attempt to come up with some answers. Anything. Nothing the doctor said could convince me that there wasn't something I did to make this happen.

So, I prolonged my suffering. By blaming myself, I only made things worse. It was not my fault—just as it's not your fault that you've miscarried. No, that glass of wine or beer you had did not cause your miscarriage. No, the argument you had with your husband did not cause you so much stress that you miscarried. No, the unhealthy food you ate from a fast food restaurant didn't do it either. Please, stop knocking yourself and blaming yourself for this. I know you need answers. You want some sort of justification for your pain and loss. But, when you continually find, or try to find blame within yourself, you are hurting yourself over and over again.

Excerpted from I Never Held You. Copyright © Ellen M. DuBois. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

Review

I Never Held You is a support book for any woman who has experienced a miscarriage. It's also a book for spouses, friends and family members to someone who has miscarried, to get an insight of what is going on in a woman's mind, soul and body when a thing like this happens.

If you have had a miscarriage you have probably heard the expressions: "It's no big deal—you can have another baby" or "grow up and move on." These were the experiences the author Ellen Dubois made during her grief process. She didn't meet much understanding or she wasn't good at expressing her feelings the right way for people to understand. This is why this book is so important for both parties.

Ellen DuBois' book is only 28 pages short. The reason for the shortness is that when Ellen had her miscarriage she was searching libraries and bookstores about information on handling the grief, but found nothing useful. She didn't want to read anything long either, as she had to cope with her feelings in the same time.

This book goes through the stages of grief, blame, letting go, and moving on. It's also important to state that it's not a book about forgetting the baby you never held in your arms.

Reviewed by Simona Nielsen for The Writer's Room Magazine.