Miscarriage and loss

Helping a friend through a miscarriage

By Patty Hone

When you have a friend who has had a miscarriage, there is a lot you can do to help her. Many times, we are afraid to say anything because we don't want to say the wrong thing, but not saying anything at all can be just as bad. So what should you say and what shouldn't you say? I have had three miscarriages myself and have heard a lot of things that were just not the right things to say. I have put together a list of things you can say and things you probably shouldn't. Please be gentle with friends who are coping with miscarriage and pregnancy loss. They need your support.

Things you should say

• Do call her and tell her you are sorry for her loss.
• Do send her a card or flowers to show you care.
• Do let her talk as much as she needs to or wants to but do not impose.
• Do give her a hug to let her know you care.
• Do offer to help with housework, babysitting, or other things that she may not feel up to doing.
• Do acknowledge her baby.
• It is okay to say "I don't know what to say" or "I don't know how to help".
• Do call and check up on her. The pain does not go away in a couple of days.
• Give her extra attention. She needs to feel like other people care about what she is going through.
• Do ask if she wants to talk about it.

Things you should not say

• It was probably for the best.
• At least it happened early in the pregnancy before you really got attached.
• It was God's will.
• I understand how you feel. Even if you have had more than one miscarriage, you may not know how she is feeling.
• It was only one miscarriage.
• I know a friend that had such and such miscarriages and she has children now.
• It was nature's way of getting rid of defective chromosomes.
• At least you have one child.
• I don't understand why you are so upset.
• Maybe you should consider adoption, not having children.
• Don't not talk about it. Don't avoid her.
• Don't try to cheer her up. She probably doesn't want to be cheered up and by doing this, you are not acknowledging her pain.

It may be difficult for her to be around children or pregnant women. Be understanding and sympathetic. But don't avoid being around her if you are pregnant or have children.

Do share your experience but bear in mind that this is not the time to go on about how bad things were for you. She needs your support.

If she does get pregnant again, don't dismiss her anxiety by saying things like "Lots of women have spotting, cramping, etc." Be optimistic but acknowledge her fears.