Suicide

After suicide: a guide for those left behind

Adapted from When the Worst Has Happened, SAVE: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education™

Families and friends who have lost someone dear to them to suicide may well feel there is little anyone can say to help them feel better or to take away the pain. It's okay to grieve and we at Women's Web understand that bereavement is a painful time. We hope the following information is helpful to you.

Loss of a loved one to suicide is often sudden and unexpected. This loss cannot be measured, and the pain cannot be described. It's hard to face that someone you care about is gone forever and that nothing can bring her back—you can't turn back the clock or reverse death. It may seem unfair or hurtful. It's okay to grieve and to acknowledge feelings of anger, pain, hurt, and loss.

It's okay to cry. Tears are a means of releasing sorrow, of showing love, and of expressing how much you miss the person who died. Crying helps relieve the hurt and to carry on with living.

It's not necessary to prove how much you loved or how much you miss the person you're mourning. It will take time, but as months go by, you'll be able to return to day-to-day life with less outward grieving. You shouldn't feel guilty about this: that you don't grieve outwardly doesn't mean you love the person any less. It means that although you miss that person and don't like death, you're learning to accept it. Acceptance is a part of healing and it's okay to heal.

That you remember good things about the person and want to laugh isn't a sign you love them or that you miss them any less. Nor is it a sign you grieve less. Laughter is a sign that many of your thoughts about the person are happy. It's comforting that your memories are happy ones. Chances are the deceased would want you to laugh again.

It's important that you have at least one person who will encourage you and who will allow you to grieve. Look to a friend or family member. You may need individual, family, or group support: support groups allow you to be the way you need to be as you work through your grief. Dealing with grief in a healthy and appropriate way will ensure you remain healthy. It will allow you to preserve a nurturing family and relationships.

While it may be tempting to avoid grief, this can't be done. While it is possible to postpone grief, doing so requires a great deal of energy—the energy you need to relate to others, fulfill your potential, and lead a healthy life. You wanted this for your loved one—she would surely want the same for you.

In addition, suppressing grief is unhealthy, since it subjects the body and psyche to a constant state of stress and shock. Over time, the body feels these effects in ailments. Emotional and spiritual health suffers. On the other hand, when a person chooses to face grief, feelings come and focus shifts from death and dying to life and living.