Grief and loss

Loss: facts and misconceptions

I won't say or do the right thing.

Your primary purpose is to give the bereaved person permission to grieve, e.g., "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. This must be a very sad time for you." "How are you?" "Would you like to talk about how you are feeling?" Be aware of how you look. Your tone of voice may be more important than what you say. Touch the person, write them a note, send flowers, etc. Help them out in practical ways (chores, etc.). Do not take charge of their lives, but help alleviate the load.

Bereaved persons don't want to talk about their loss. I dare not bring it up or mention the deceased's name.

Most likely that's all the bereaved will want to talk about. Do not be afraid to mention the loved one's name and to ask about the death (how, when, etc.). Ask how they coped or are now coping.

I must not make the bereaved person upset.

They are upset. Being upset won't hurt; it's good therapy. Tears help release pent up emotion and may rid the person of many physical symptoms. It is also good to express anger and guilt outwardly. Listen, reassuring the person that you have time to spend with them. Speak in a soft and reassuring manner and tone of voice, using appropriate words.

The bereaved person should be kept busy so that he won't have time to think.

The bereaved person needs time to think and grieve. If he is kept too busy or never left alone, this may delay or hinder the grieving process.

The grieving period is lasting too long; the person should be over it by now.

Intensity and duration of grief often depends on the person's relationship to the deceased as well as being determined by our normal ways of responding to loss. Every person's grieving time varies a great deal. It is usually determined by the emotional investment of one's self or by what the loss meant to the individual.

Moving away, giving away all possessions of the deceased, putting away pictures, discarding all reminders of the loss, will help the bereaved.

Frequently, major decisions made within the first year are not what the bereaved wanted for themselves. It is best to take about one year to make major decisions, if possible (moving, selling house or business, etc.). Giving away possessions is okay, but something should be kept. Things could be put away temporarily if having them around is too painful at the time.

Everything seems to be fine so I won't mention anything about the loss/death. Why rock the boat?

The bereaved may very likely feel hurt and will sense that you are uncomfortable. Do mention the loss. You don't need to go on and on, but at least acknowledge it.

I need to be religious, to believe in God, know the Bible or a articular religion in order to help.

Allow the bereaved their beliefs if that is comforting to them. If you are not sure what they are referring to in regards to God or religion, ask. Most are willing to explain their ideas, fears, hopes, etc. Many bereaved persons are concerned with "life after death."

Everyone expresses grief in the same way and go through the stages at the same time.

Grief is a very private and individual thing. Everyone grieves differently at different stages.

Once a person has gone through one stage, it is not normal to return to that stage.

It is very normal to enter a stage of grieving, resolve it (you think), only to return to that same stage at a later date. This usually lasts for a shorter length of time and may not be quite as intense.

It is morbid or abnormal for the bereaved to want to sit with or touch the deceased.

It is a perfectly normal and healthy way of saying "good-bye" and coming to the realization that the person has died.

It is best not to use words such as dead, deceased, death, funeral, etc., when speaking of the deceased. It will be more helpful to use words such as expired, passed on, passed away, gone to Heaven, departed, etc.

It is good and acceptable to use exact terms when referring to death. It is most essential when dealing with children and death. Terms such as "God took him away", "Gone to eternal sleep", "Gone away", "Gone to Heaven", etc., may confuse and frighten young children.

A person who is not expressing outward signs of grieving is either not grieving or doing just fine.

The person may well be grieving intensely inside but has not given himself/herself permission to grieve. They could feel that they have to be brave for others, or they may not know how to let their emotions out, or it just may be a way of life for the person, i.e., "I have to be strong for others." Most often, by expressing our feelings openly, we open the door for others. Holding back emotions for fear of upsetting a spouse or a child could prove to be unhealthy. Chances are they are upset and may well be trying to be strong for you.