Coming out

Choosing whom to tell

Before reading this article, be sure to read Hiding in the closet and coming out.

Once you've opened the possibility of following your sexual orientation, you'll likely want to disclose your sexuality—"come out"—to the important people in your life. You don't have to, but for many LGBT people, the process of coming out relieves them of a heavy psychological burden: when one stops trying to hide, it leads to a more positive sense of self, greater freedom of self-expression, and healthier, more open relationships.

It's natural to feel apprehensive about telling others around you about your sexuality: it's difficult to predict people's reactions and it's at this step that you may feel most vulnerable to negative consequences.

Understanding your feelings and coming to grips with them takes time and you may want to work through that process before taking the actual steps toward coming out. Avoid coming out on the spur of the moment. Instead, ensure that coming out is an action—not a reaction.

You should also keep in mind that coming out is more likely to be a positive experience when you are more secure with your sexuality and less dependent on others to boost your self-image. Your self-esteem should not be entirely dependent on others' approval. You have a right to be who you are and to be open about all important aspects of your life, including your sexual orientation.

How might others react?

Some people may take your news in stride and offer you every encouragement. Others may react with shock or confusion. Some may lash out aggressively and try to hurt you. If someone rejects you and cannot accept your sexual identity or orientation, it's not your fault. His or her rejection is not a reflection of your worth or value.

While some people may be shocked initially, in time they may come around to accepting your sexuality. Sadly however, some may never get used to the idea of your being LBGT and may turn their backs on you altogether. If this happens, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship with them and their overall importance to you.

If you're a parent, you may worry that your coming out will be used against you—that others will paint you as an unfit parent. At work, you may worry that coming out will lead your co-workers to be nasty to you and your boss to pass you over. And if you are a boss or a supervisor, you may fear that coming out to your employees will undermine your authority.

Sadly, in some places, it's still legal to discriminate against LGBT people in terms of employment, housing, and other issues. Because of this, consider carefully whom you trust and tell those individuals. Those who support and encourage you will be the ones to help you weather possible storms ahead.

Guess what? There will also be some people to whom your orientation or identity makes no difference at all.

Coming out …

… to friends

Your friends are probably the easiest to tell and you'll want to start by telling your oldest and closest friends first. Some may react badly—or worse, end their friendship with you. Some may become very protective of you while others may wonder whether they are gay themselves. And some may feel very flattered and proud that you've chosen to tell them. Just don't expect flowers, a parade and an all-star gala like you're someone extra special: your friends will likely treat the fact you're LGBT as something quite ordinary.

… at school

If you're in high school, remember that you don't have to tell anyone unless you feel confident: look after yourself first. If you can find a sympathetic teacher—or better, several—keep them on your side. Consider starting a gay-straight student alliance in your school. (For more information on this, refer to Gay-Straight Student Alliances, just one of the many resources on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity available from the Alberta Teachers' Association. Links to external sites will each open a new browser window.)

Students at the post-secondary level may have it a little easier: many colleges and universities have such groups or alliances for LBGT people. Joining is a good way to meet people and tends to make coming out at college or university a lot easier.

… to clubs, teams and interest groups

We all have hobbies, passions and interests. And these are completely independent of our sexual identity or sexual orientation. Being gay or bisexual is just a small part of who you are: doing the things you enjoy is another. Coming out to people on your sports team, in your dance class, at your gym, or in your chess club should make no difference to the people you tell: you—and they—participate in these activities because they're fun. Being LGBT won't affect how you arrange flowers, run a marathon, develop your snapshots, belly dance, or whatever. And if it does, contact the gay, lesbian, and bisexual organizations in your area to find a class, club, or program devoted to your interest.

… at work

Work is work. It's not your private life. You may want to keep the two separate. If you do choose to come out at work, consider whether anyone else has. How did it go over? If others have come out at work, you may want to begin with telling them first. If you belong to a trade union or labor association, be sure to tell your representative—and your boss, if he or she is sympathetic—so they can defend you if there's trouble.

… to heterosexual partners

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that telling a significant other or spouse can be very delicate! A heterosexual partner may feel hurt, rejected, disappointed, saddened, or even angry by your coming out. They may feel you've somehow deceived or cheated them. Even if you don't feel a sexual love for your partner, you undoubtedly feel an emotional, affectional, or spiritual attachment—a love, in other words—for them. It's important to remember that love and to respect it—and your partner—when you come out.

… to your children

As a parent, it's important for your children to be happy. In fact, it's more important for your kids to be happy than it is for you to tell them you're LGBT. Consider your children's ages: what will they understand? How will having a LGBT parent affect them at school? Would you feel comfortable confiding in a teacher in case your child is bullied or teased? Depending on your children's ages, you may choose to wait before coming out. It may be wise to simply follow their curiosity and to answer age-appropriate questions as they arise.

… to family

Coming out to family is probably the trickiest of all. Coming out may shatter family expectations. After all, whether you're a young adult or have grown children of your own, you are still someone?s child. Parents often have a hard time imagining their child having sexual relations, let alone with someone of the same sex. They may be ill-informed about LGBT people in general and more so about what they do in bed. Keep your sex life out of the conversation. Similarly, parents may want grandchildren, but if they are ill-informed, they may not be wired to speak the words "homosexual" (or "gay" or "bi" or "trans") and "kids" in the same sentence.

You may find it easier to come out to siblings first. After all, through the years, you've come to know what they're really like. Siblings who take your coming out in stride can be a huge asset in calming parents.