LGBT topics

Parenting your partner's child: you're the new kid on the block

By Jennifer Newton Reents

Parenting is a hard enough job if you are trying to raise your own kids. But what about helping to raise someone else's, especially if you've never done it before?

In some cases, the children already have two parents, so where do you fit in?

Challenges and choices

According to the Stepfamily Association of America, it is estimated that 1/3 of all Americans live in some form of a stepfamily relationship. The 2000 United States Census indicates 17 percent of minor children are living in step relationships, but it does not account for those living in same-sex partner households, says Margorie Engel, PhD, president and CEO of the Stepfamily Association of America.

"Stepparents come into a family as the new kid on the block," says Kristen Harrington, a family therapist with Kingston Hospital in Kingston, New York. "They first have to develop a bond with their new partner's children before they can participate in discipline. They most often must deal with anger in the family and issues of grief and loss since the reason they joined is due to a … (break-up) or death of the child's other parent."

Not only might you face the traditional issues that all stepfamilies face, but as a LGBT family, your children may have questions about the family dynamic if it is new to them and may be confused as to how it fits into their lives.

"LGBT stepfamilies face the added challenge of being a LGBT family on top of being a stepfamily," says Kate Kuvalanka, of Alexandria, Virginia, co-chairperson of the Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE) Board of Directors. "While creating a new family formation, LGBT stepfamilies might also have to simultaneously deal with coming out to the children and deciding how 'out' to be as a family to the rest of the world. Furthermore, whereas heterosexual stepfamilies can take advantage of formal, legalized rituals designed to mark the beginning of the new family formation —marriage—LGBT stepfamilies are not afforded this right and are thereby devalued by society from the outset."

Margie Brickley, of Takoma Park, Maryland, has been a stepparent for 14 years. "My initial response was to feel lucky to have been given the opportunity to be a part of a child's life," Brickley says of when she discovered her partner was a parent. "I wasn't sure I would ever be a parent or be in a family with a child, so it was thrilling. On the other hand, my partner was just coming out and I wondered what the impact would be on her five-year-old child. I was not familiar with the LGBT parenting community, which was small at the time, and so wasn't sure what it would be like for a child to grow up in a lesbian-headed household."

LGBT stepfamilies, however, exhibit unique strengths during the re-formation of their families, Kuvalanka says, as they are not bound by prescribed gender roles and tend to be more creative and flexible when meeting family members' needs.

"For example, in the case of transitioning from a previous heterosexual relationship to a newly-formed GLBT stepfamily, simply due to the sex of the stepparent, the children may not feel threatened by the new stepparent as a 'replacement' parent," Kuvalanka says. "This leaves the child and stepparent free to create a unique, caring relationship, and, indeed, LGBT stepparents and their stepchildren often form close and loving relationships."

Harrington agrees the dynamics of GLBT stepparent and custodial parent are very much the same as with heterosexual parents. "The child would benefit a lot from reading books together to help them understand that there are other children who have the same home situation as they are developing," she says.

Brickley says she and her partner let their son define Brickley's relationship to him. "Initially, I was a friend. I was another adult who took care of him and was a part of his life. He was the one who ultimately decided that I was in a stepparent role," she says.

Kuvalanka says there is no one set of rules to follow for how to successfully make the transition to a stepfamily.

"All stepfamilies must figure out how the parenting will work in their own families," she says. "Too often, both parents and stepparents have unrealistic expectations in this regard—they assume that it will be a smooth transition and that all family members will easily fall into their new roles and get along with each other."

But this is usually not the case, she warns, as it takes time to get to know one another and to work through their feelings about the new people in their lives.

"All parents need to be sensitive to the children's needs and confusions but should not pressure children to dialogue, rather leaving the door open," says Barbara Okun, professor of counseling psychology at Northeastern University in Boston. "The (LGBT) families that report the highest degrees of family life satisfaction maintain connections with straight and (LGBT) families and friends, and find support resources for themselves and the children."

Jim Krause and his partner of six years didn't tell their children from their prior marriages about their relationship until a year ago.

"The kids knew that Steve and I were good friends and 'roommates,'" says Krause, of Lake in the Hills, Illinois. "About a year ago, Steve suggested that we discuss specifics of our relationship with our children—ages at that time 10, 11 and 15. … His daughters took the news just fine, but my son was devastated. Their mothers also were told the situation at that time, and it's unfortunate how their derogatory comments affect the kids. Fortunately with a little counseling, things have stabilized."

Getting to know you

To get the relationship off the ground, Okun recommends arranging gradual contact in a variety of situations and explaining to the child at an age-appropriate level how important this person is to the parent, and how it will not detract from the parent relationship.

"Give it time, but do not let the child have power to destroy the couple relationship," Okun says. "Consistent, firm boundaries help. The major issue is for the parent to talk to the child about how the step parent will be involved, if at all, with step parenting and this differs for each family."

Start with friendship, advocacy for the child and emphatic warmth—not taking sides or interfering, Okun suggests. "Learning who the child is, his/her interests. Developing a relationship based on the child's stage of readiness," she adds.

The most important thing for the stepparents to remember is they are not the child's parent—they provide additional emotional and practical support to both the parent and child, says Engel. "That means taking cues from the parent and child, slowly developing the adult/child relationship," she says. "Find areas of common interest, spend one-on-one time together, be reliable, refrain from the disciplining role in the beginning until a relationship has developed so the child will care whether or not you are happy with his/her behavior. A stepparent is initially in the role of camp counselor, scout leader, friend's parent during the early years when everyone in the family is jockeying for their new position in the stepfamily."

Discipline

It takes at least three years for a family to form new bonds, says Harrington. "Stepparents must build the bond with the child before doing discipline," she advises. "… Frequent consulting should be done between step and custodial parents to work out the (discipline) plan."

Try developing a parenting "policy manual," Okun suggests. Once the discipline plan is set, partners must then discuss it with the child. "Children need structure and consistency even though they say they don't," Okun says. "Insist on respect, do not allow triangulation or secret alliances to build up. If the stepparent is not involved in parenting, that is fine, as long as the roles (and) rules are clear."

Just as every child is unique, every parent also has different expectations, needs and wants regarding the new family form, says Kuvalanka. Some parents will gladly share the role of parents and want the stepparent to have equal parenting "authority," while other parents are reluctant to let the stepparent step into an equal parenting role.

"Regardless of expectations, what often tends to work for LGBT stepfamilies is for the parent to take on the role of the 'primary' parent with final decision-making authority, leaving the stepparent and child free to develop a relationship that works for both of them," she says. "Eventually, some stepparents may change their role to be more of an equal co-parent, but the initial flexibility tends to help stepfamilies adapt to their new situation."

The ex

While you are involved in creating a new family dynamic, in many instances there is a third adult in the picture—the child's other parent, your partner's ex. Oftentimes there is hostility between the parties involved and it can get downright nasty.

In a perfect world, the ex partner would provide positive commentary and have a willingness to be open and share. "In real life, however, this usually does not happen unless the (child's other) parent is emotionally secure and genuinely concerned with the child's best interests, and not perpetuating conflict," Okun says.

While in many cases, relationships with the child's other parent are rocky, sometimes things come full circle.

"At Zack's high school graduation (his father) thanked me for the role I had played in Zack's life and in helping Zack become the kind of person he is now," Brickley says.

Stepdad Rick LeBeau of Easthampton, Massachusetts, says while it hasn't always been smooth sailing, he thinks he and his partner's ex wife have a civil relationship. "I tend not to say much when/if some of her requests might inconvenience me. I tend to do it for the kids and to keep the peace. In talking with her, on occasion, she has said she likes me and thinks I'm a good guy and she hopes Norm and I stay together. It's nice to hear her say she thinks we have a good thing going and that I've been good to/for the kids."

Focus on the unique relationship you are building with the child, Brickley says, rather than trying to equal the child's other parent. "You bring things to that child's life that will be a special part of your relationship. Value what you have with the child and don't compare it to the other relationships s/he has in life," she says.

And, no matter how badly you want to, it is critical that parents and stepparents not "badmouth" or denigrate former partners and that they model respectful, responsible and reflective behaviors and communications, Okun says.

What's next?

Kuvalanka offers these tips to help you in your new role:

• Be patient and try not to take a child's initial anger, resentment or rejection personally.
• Ask yourself what role you feel comfortable playing in the child's life and be honest with your answers.
• Ask your partner what his/her expectations are regarding your role as "stepparent." Be honest with your partner about the role you feel comfortable playing in the child's life and decide on a plan together. It is best not to give children mixed signals about things such as who has the authority to exercise discipline with the child and who does not.
• Ask the child how she/he feels about the new family relationships and if they have any questions.
• Listen to the children when they want to talk. Let them know that you want to get to know them better.
• Be yourself and let the children know you are open to letting them get to know you better too.
• Be flexible and willing to adapt to changing needs of children when possible.

LeBeau's partner Norman Deschaine feels confident his kids from his marriage have adjusted just fine to his relationship.

"At first they didn't know what to think because I didn't know how to handle the situation," he says. "When they started coming over, they knew he was my 'friend,' we slept in separate rooms and they were shy around him and I think he was intimidated by them but they grew to know each other. Now when we have them and I pick them up alone, no 'hi dad' it's 'where is Rick?'"

Find support

Once you and your partner have determined your stepparenting role, it is time to talk with others who have been there. Look for online support groups and e-mail discussion groups for LGBT families. (A good place to start is the And Baby Forums at www.AndBabyMag.com). Contact the organizations listed below to see what support groups might be located in your area. Don't be afraid to seek professional help if problems persist or children do not seem to be adjusting well. After all, once you get on the right track, that's where the rewarding journey of stepparenting really begins!

Resources

Web sites

The Stepfamily Foundation
Stepfamily Foundation Resources
333 West End Avenue
New York, NY 10023
212-877-3244
www.stepfamily.org

Stepfamily Association of America
650 J Street, Suite 205
Lincoln, NE 68508
(800) 735-0329
www.saafamilies.org

The Stepfamily Foundation is the name of the service provided by a woman who is a social worker in NYC who has a personal interest in stepfamilies. The Stepfamily Association of America is a national nonprofit organization providing information, education, support, and advocacy for stepfamilies and the professionals who work with them. Most of the country's stepfamily specialists are members and provide their volunteer services to the organization and its membership.

Children of Gays and Lesbians Everywhere (COLAGE)
3543 18th Street #1
San Francisco, CA 94110
(415) 861-KIDS (5437)
www.colage.org

Books

The Stepparent's Survival Guide: A Workbook for Creating a Happy Blended Family
by Suzen J. Ziegahn, Ph.D (New Harbinger Pubns., December 2002)

Lesbian Step Families: An Ethnography of Love
by Janet Wright (Harrington Park Press September 1998)

7 Steps to Bonding with Your Stepchild
by Suzen J. Ziegahn, Ph.D (Griffin Trade Paperback, March 2001)

Blending Families: A Guide for Parents, Stepparents, and Everyone Building a Successful New Family
by Elaine Fantel Shomberg, (Berkley Pub. Group, April 1999)

Family Rules : Helping Stepfamilies and Single Parents Build Happy Homes
by Jeannette Lofas (Kensington Pub. Corp., November 1998)

Becoming Family: How to Build a Stepfamily That Really Works
by Robert and Jeanette Lauer, PhDs (Augsburg Fortress Publishers, February 1999)