LGBT topics

Some do's and don'ts for Friends and family of LGBTTTIQ people

By Rosemary Hardwick. Reprinted with permission.

1. Don't rush the process of trying to understand your loved one's sexuality or gender identity.
   Do take the time to seek information about the lives of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, transsexual, two-spirited, intersex or questioning (LGBTTTIQ) (See Definitions if you are unfamiliar with these terms) people from friends of your loved one, literature and— most importantly—directly from your loved one.
2. Don't criticize your loved one for being different.
   Do listen to what your loved one's life is like and what kind of experience he or she is having in the world.
3. Don't blame your own feelings on your loved one.
   Do accept that you are responsible for your negative feelings.
4. Don't expect your child (or loved one) to make up for your own failures in life.
   Do help your child (or loved one) to set individual goals even though these goals may differ from your own.
5. Don't force your loved one to accept your ideas of proper sexual behavior.
   Do try to develop trust and openness by allowing your loved ones to choose their own lifestyle.
6. Don't blame yourself because your loved one is lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, transsexual, two-spirited, intersex or questioning. (See Definitions if you are unfamiliar with these terms.)
   Do be proud of your loved one's capacity for having loving relationships.
7. Don't respond to anger with anger.
   Do look for the injured feelings beneath the anger and respond to them.
8. Don't discriminate against your loved one.
   Do defend him or her against discrimination.
9. Don't demand that your child (or loved one) live up to your idea of what a man or woman should be.
   Do allow your loved one to express his or her individuality.
10. Don't try to break up relationships.
    Do respect your loved one's right to find out how to choose the right person to love and how to make relationships last.
11. Don't insist that your morality is the only right one.
    Do say, "I love you."
12. Don't automatically assume that your loved one should see a professional counselor.
    Do get professional help for anyone in the family, including yourself, who becomes severely depressed over your loved one’s sexuality or gender identity. (See Bringing Youth Voices Out of the Closet: Are You Asking the Right Questions to Prevent Suicide? for more on this topic.)

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