Coming out

Hiding in the closet and coming out

Hiding in the closet

For many LGBT people, social prejudice and homophobic attitudes may cause them to hide their sexuality from others. Hence the expression "in the closet". "Coming out", therefore, implies a process of understanding, accepting, and valuing one's sexual orientation or sexual identity. This process, therefore, involves both exploring your identity and, if you've come to be comfortable with your sexuality, disclosing it to others. You may choose to "come out of the closet" and tell the important people in your life about your sexuality.

Because it involves coping with—and overcoming—societal responses, misconceptions and attitudes (sometimes called homophobia): society tends to assume everyone is heterosexual. Differences from the norm tend to be judged negatively. For this reason, "coming out" can often be a scary process. Yet, it doesn't have to be. You?re not alone: thousands of LGBT people go through this process each year.

It's different for each of them. The coming out process is very personal and there is no "right" way to do it. Nor is there a "right" time. The process happens in different ways and occurs at different ages. It's a continuing, sometimes lifelong process.

Coming out to oneself

Recognizing your sexual identity and working toward self-acceptance are important first steps in coming out. You need to determine whether you in fact have same-sex feelings or a same-sex orientation. This may seem obvious—even redundant—yet for many people starting the process, they have never answered the question, "Are you LGBT?" Take the time to answer this question. In your mind and to yourself.

In the beginning, you may be confused or try to deny being LGBT. You may try to repress your feelings or feel anxious or fearful. You may seek counseling or religious commitment to "overcome" your sexuality, and you may feel disappointed that therapy was ineffective. This is because being LGBT is not an illness. (See Understanding your sexual orientation for more information.)

On the other hand, you may seek psychological help to help you find the true answer to the question "Are you LGBT?" Sure, there are many different answers to that question, such as "Girls get me hot" or "That new girl on the swim team sure is cute" or "I can?t help it! I love looking at women's bodies!"

Therefore, you may seek counseling not because you want to change your sexual orientation or identity, but rather, as a means of receiving affirmation and getting help with the coming out process. Therapy can also help you learn strategies for coping with prejudice and homophobia. In the end, it may help you accept your sexuality so you can answer "Are you LGBT?" with a proud and resounding "Yes" rather than with a tentative one.

This is known as "coming out to oneself": it signifies an acknowledgment and an acceptance of your own sexual identity. The first time you hear yourself say "Yes" aloud, it may surprise you and seem like a big deal. Because positive role models may be difficult for you to identify, you may feel unsure of your sexual identity: you may not know what it means to you. You may fear what others may think of you. Will they reject you or accept you? It's natural to feel this and even more important to understand that your own homophobia is the product of societal prejudices rather than based on something inherent to your identity or orientation. As mentioned in Understanding your sexual orientation, same-sex orientation is determined largely by biology, not choice.

Instead, it may be helpful to focus on the positive aspects of LGBT culture: films, books, theater, art, and so on. You might want to pick up some literature on all facets of LGBT life to become familiar with clinical studies of LGBT people, health and social issues, activism, and policy making. In time, you'll accept some of this information and develop a self-image of what it means to be LGBT. What's more, reading others? coming out stories and learning how they have dealt with similar issues are other safe means of coming out to yourself. (Refer to Suggested Reading for a list of useful resources.)

The decision to come out

Acknowledging your sexuality may stir up a storm of feelings: confusion, relief, pride, fear, apprehension, depression, shame, guilt. The realization your sexuality is different from the norm may leave you feeling different and alone. You're not alone, though: there are many supportive services available to LGBT people. Joining such a group and coming out to other LGBT people can help you decrease feelings of shame and isolation. Because each of these people has experienced at least some of the steps in the process of coming out, sharing experiences and talking with others will strengthen your sense of self by providing validation and acceptance. It will also build a support network of people who can give you the confidence and help you need to move forward with the coming out process.

Once you've opened the possibility of following your sexual orientation, you'll likely want to disclose your sexuality—"come out"—to the important people in your life. You don't have to, but for many LGBT people, the process of coming out relieves them of a heavy psychological burden: when one stops trying to hide, it leads to a more positive sense of self, greater freedom of self-expression, and healthier, more open relationships.

It's natural to feel apprehensive about telling others around you about your sexuality: it's difficult to predict people's reactions, and it's at this step that you may feel most vulnerable to negative consequences.

Understanding your feelings and coming to grips with them takes time and you may want to work through that process before taking the actual steps toward coming out. You may want to observe other LGBT people: some come out in "gentle" ways, admitting your sexual identity or orientation only when asked, but not volunteering it. Others proclaim their sexuality in "loud" ways to end the invisibility of being LGBT. Through careful observation of approaches, stereotypes, and reactions, you'll eventually come to decide which approach may work better for you. Just remember to avoid coming out on the spur of the moment. Instead, ensure that coming out is an action—not a reaction.

You should also keep in mind that coming out is more likely to be a positive experience when you are more secure with your sexuality and less dependent on others to boost your self-image. Your self-esteem should not be entirely dependent on others' approval. You have a right to be who you are and to be open about all important aspects of your life, including your sexual orientation.

Some people may take your news in stride and offer you every encouragement. Others may react with shock or confusion. Some may lash out aggressively and try to hurt you. If someone rejects you and cannot accept your sexual identity or orientation, it?s not your fault. His or her rejection is not a reflection of your worth or value.

While some people may be shocked initially, in time they may come around to accepting your sexuality. Sadly however, some may never get used to the idea of your being LBGT and may turn their backs on you altogether. If this happens, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship with them and their overall importance to you.

If you're a parent, you may worry that your coming out will be used against you—that others will paint you as an unfit parent. At work, you may worry that coming out will lead your co-workers to be nasty to you and your boss to pass you over. And if you are a boss or a supervisor, you may fear that coming out to your employees will undermine your authority.

Sadly, in some places, it's still legal to discriminate against LGBT people in terms of employment, housing, and other issues. Because of this, consider carefully whom you trust and tell those individuals. Those who support and encourage you will be the ones to help you weather possible storms ahead.

And… Guess what? There will also be some people to whom your orientation or identity makes no difference at all.

Learn more in the next segment: Choosing whom to tell.