Dating and Relating: How Do You Know if He is Mr. Right?

Posted on January 13, 2009

By Dr. Erica Goodstone, PhD, LMHC, LMFT, LPC
www.drericawellness.com
www.sexualreawakening.com

Before starting to write this article, I decided to first check out what other people are saying about this important topic. So I went to Google search and typed in the words "dating and relating." The very first article on the page listed five simple ways to recognize Mr. Right. The answers seemed too simple to be true.

• You have a great time together (without adding alcohol or drugs)
• You feel sexually attracted (and are able to contain the feelings)
• You laugh together
• You're alike yet also different
• You are so at ease that you feel totally comfortable bringing this person home to meet your family

How many of you have enjoyed a relationship with a man who fit those five criteria within the first few days, weeks or months of dating? In the early stages of a dating relationship, once you pass the first hurdle of feeling sexually attracted, a man who fits the rest of the criteria may not be difficult to find. The problem is, even a man with serious mental illness can make you laugh, stir those sexual feelings, share with you so that you feel comfortable, and create a wonderful aura about himself for a brief period of time.

But here's the real scoop. Each and every one of us has our own special combination of personality traits, attitudes, skills, behaviors, education, values and beliefs. We are born into a unique family scenario with a certain number of siblings and a specific birth order. Our biological parents bring to us genetic traits, attitudes, behaviors and learned values from their nationalities and from their unique families of origin. We add to this all the personal experiences we have had that tend to strengthen or weaken our core beliefs, attitudes, behaviors and self-esteem.

As infants, our needs and behaviors are quite simple and congruent. When we are hungry, hurting, or emotionally upset, we cry or even scream. When we are happy or content, we smile or we giggle with delight. As we grow older, however, our personalities gradually become more complex. We have all heard about the terrible two's, toddlers having uncontrollable temper tantrums in their attempt to develop a personal identity. We have also heard stories about defiant teenagers who speak disrespectfully to parents and other authority figures as they continue to differentiate into maturing adults.

What we don't often hear about is the totally complex nature of love relationships. Many factors need to mesh in order for us to feel that we have found our soulmate. Our family scenarios need to match in some important ways so that we can feel accepted and understood.

For example, one person may come from a close knit family with happily married parents who rarely fight and were hardly ever separated from each other. The wonderful new person that seems to be so loving and appealing may have parents who had numerous affairs, substance abuse problems, several divorces and even incarceration.

If these two people hook up for a length of time, the differences between them can create a great deal of heartache and distress. The person from a loving family may expect attention, sharing and regular expressions of love. The person from the problematic family may feel smothered rather than appreciative, may often create distance, may be less willing to show their true feelings, less willing to make a full commitment, and more likely to find a way to escape if a situation becomes too emotionally difficult.

Yes, they can go for counseling and gain enough insight and awareness to keep the relationship going for a very long time. Will they be happy? Of course, some couples can overcome such deeply rooted differences and help each other to grow into compatible partners. Kudos to those who make the effort and succeed as a couple.

The more likely scenario is months or years of anger, resentment, misunderstanding, demands, and finding excuses to escape. The emotional pain often intensifies as the personal self-esteem and trust in relationships diminishes.

So, how do you know if he is Mr. Right? It does not begin at the moment that you meet a new and attractive potential partner. It begins as early as possible, as soon as you realize the necessity to self-reflect and discover your own bottom-line needs, desires and preferences. When you are secure in knowing, accepting and acknowledging your own self-worth and value, then you can clearly evaluate how a potential partner fits or does not fit into your life. You give up trying to force a round peg into a square hole. If the object of your current desire does not reciprocate in a way that supports your dreams and goals, then it is time to let go, let God, and move on.

© Copyright Dr. Erica Goodstone. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.

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