Seven ways to prevent infidelity

Posted on May 14, 2008

By Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT

Are you suspicious of your loved one's loyalty? Do you sometimes think about having an affair? Are you feeling guilty for having extra-marital relationships? According to the statistics, if you answered "yes" to any of the above, you are not alone. Reports indicate that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will be unfaithful to their partner. It takes a lot more than love to prevent infidelity and maintain a fulfilling relationship.

As a Marriage, Family therapist for over 27 years, I often heard about my clients' secret lovers. I was very successful in helping them uncover the causes of their behavior, resolve their issues, and forgive each other.

Whenever a client shared with me that he or she was having an affair, my first response was to ask, "If you could have with your partner what you are receiving from your lover, would you end your affair?" The answer from practically every guilt-ridden client was "Yes." In fact, there was a sign of great relief on each of their faces as they entertained the thought that they could receive what they wanted from their husband, wife, or partner.

As you can see, infidelity is a symptom and not the cause of relationship problems. It is a wake-up call to identify and resolve any issues that are hurting the intimate connection. With a process I developed, HART, which stands for Holistic And Rapid Transformation, I helped the men and women discover what they found lacking with their spouses and were seeking in others. Once they were clear, I invited their partners in for a couple session to help them resolve their issues.

Ninety-nine percent of the time, I discovered that the spouses also felt discontented in the relationship. They too were having a secret affair, or were expressing their frustrations in other ways—for example, by gaining weight, not keeping their agreements, overspending, withholding affection, nagging, or being verbally or physically abusive.

Ironically, I find that all the men and women had the same wants and needs but were not able to identify or express them. In fact, we can make one list that applies to both partners. The following letter can help you constructively communicate what you probably desire from your loving partner.

Dear Love

Please:

1. Treat me as you would your best friend. That helps me know that you like and love me.
2. Spend quality time with me. That helps me feel I'm important to you.
3. Compliment and appreciate me. That helps me feel acknowledged and then I want to continue to please you.
4. Release your anger constructively and then tell me calmly what you're angry about and if you feel hurt or scared. Then we can resolve the issue and both feel good.
5. Help me solve our problems with win-win solutions. Then we can maintain a healthy relationship.
6. Be affectionate and tell me you love me. That helps me feel lovable and loving.
7. Continue to seek excitement, fun, and the magic of life with me. Then we can maintain a fantastic relationship.

Thank you for hearing me. I love you!

Experiencing the above positive behaviors with your loving partner can prevent infidelity and help you maintain a fulfilling, loyal relationship. There is no need to look elsewhere when you have what you desire.

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