Tireless Voices Can Defeat Bullies

Posted on May 8, 2008

by Audrey Valeriani
www.theaccidentalexpert.com

When you were in school, were you part of the popular crowd, or were you among those unfortunate, gawky, drama club members who were picked on, ridiculed, and tortured every weekday of your life between 8:30 AM and 2:30 PM, who prayed for an overnight growth spurt and summer vacation?

When I was in grade school, I was tormented by some girls in my class to the point of a mini-breakdown. By my first year of high school, I learned to shut my mouth, avoid direct eye contact with the "tough" girls, and keep a small group of friends close by. By my junior year, I gained a little more confidence and managed to become part of the group of kids who dominated school events, and by senior year, I must admit, I was more relaxed but secretly glad all of the anxiety was nearly over. Thinking back on some of the fear I felt in those days, I still get a little uncomfortable; however, compared to violence the kids today face, I had it easy! When parents send their children to school now, it's like sending troops into battle without the proper protective gear! Who would do such a thing?

According to a report on MSNBC, the number of girls arrested for aggravated assault has doubled over the last 20 years — and those are only the reported cases. Recently, the news has featured many reports of "girl fights" happening all over the country, which may be a surprise to parents, but is really nothing new to the young women in schools today. They deal with intimidation and the threat of violence every day of their lives.

I asked a group of soon-to-be Boston high school juniors and seniors if the news reports were accurate, and they told me the problem was very real. "There are girl gangs now," reported one girl. "They jump you after school, on your way home." When I asked how she would handle such a situation, one girl responded, "I would just tell my people and we'd handle it." By her "people" she meant her friends — the only protection they feel they have. "Wouldn't you want to tell the school or your parents?" I asked naively. "What are they gonna do?" replied another girl. "You can't rat; it's just not done." I asked, could this "code of silence" be changed if they had more school support and security around them, and one girl said, "Sometimes the school has young people — like college students — talk to us. They're the ones we can relate to, who know about our music and stuff like that… but no, I would not tell, not now. Maybe if I was younger, I would."

When I asked the group why they think "girl violence" has escalated to the point of gangs and sometimes even the use of weapons, they agreed with the reason given by some researchers: the change in sex roles. Men used to be the ones who were seen by society as the predators and the protectors. Today women see female "heroes" on television and in the movies kicking butt, expressing their anger and outrage in an aggressive and violent manner — just like men! Women's roles in society are no longer restrictive and passive, and anything ladylike may be viewed as old-fashioned and weak.

I then turned to my twelve-year old-friend Ana for her perspective. When asked about her experience with a bully, she responded, "I tried to talk to [the girl] at first, but then I didn't trust her so I went to the guidance counselor. The guidance counselor talked to us separately and then brought us in together. The girl said she didn't want to be my friend, so I said ok. Now we just ignore each other." I asked her if other girls in her class also report bullies. She said, "No. They don't tell, but I don't care who knows if I do. I'm not afraid." And I think that's the answer: You can't let your fear keep you silent. That's what the bullies are counting on.

So as we encourage our children to speak out against intimidation and violence in school, what is being done to help them? Well, in Massachusetts, there has been a little progress. In March 2006, the Attorney General's Office announced it was implementing a pilot program in several school districts where focus groups will be formed; teachers and administrators will be educated about bullying, harassment, and hate crimes; and incident reports will be mandatory. Also, public schools are being asked to develop "safe school plans" and to provide annual reports on the learning environment of the school to the Superintendent. And some schools, like Ana's, are now providing monthly classes designed to help students recognize and deal with bullying, as well as more access through guidance counselors and older students to help resolve problems.

Besides changes in the schools, what can we do? Well, parents should regularly talk with their children to find out if they are afraid at school or if they are bullying others. Other ideas might be to:

1. provide an anonymous "information box" or other system so students can report any kind of violence or intimidation without retaliation
2. hold parents accountable/require family counseling for problematic students
3. expel and/or involve police regarding repeat and serious offenders
4. provide more obvious police presence at recess and after school around the neighborhoods of the most problematic schools
5. just like the domestic violence law in MA no longer requires an abused wife be the one to press charges against her husband, let school authorities become the complainants and prosecutors of a bully's violent actions

Now I know that any new measures will take additional commitment and money, but the schools have cookie drives and casino nights for other reasons — why not for the safety of our kids? We need both the private sector and the cities and towns to pitch in both financially and through law. And, of course, we need students to help as well.

So girls listen up! You don't have live in fear of a bully. Get the support of the adults around you, and start taking care of yourself! Speak up. Tell your parents. Tell the school. Make a pact with your friends that you will report the bully and stick together, and do not engage in the violence yourselves. Stand together and raise your voices until you are heard and feel safe!

A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

—Eleanor Roosevelt

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